To answer your question in tangible terms:

Money, health insurance, tenuous mental health, my own place, a better ex-husband, and friends.

To answer in a responsible, less whiny fashion:

Happiness is not something I strive for in my life.  Sure, I have moments of extreme joy, when I can beam, turn to the person next to me with tears in my eyes and say, “I am so happy!”  I welcome that feeling and try to learn ways to find that joy and happiness in every day life.  When I am bogged down by work, stress, arguments, anger I am reminded that I have things to buoy my strength and optimism.

Contentment is my goal.  I want to be content with my situation, my feelings, my partner, my parenting, my work.  I don’t want to think that I can’t change things and give up on myself. I don’t want to get complacent or think, “If I just had more money…”, “If I just lived in my own place…”, “If everyone in my life would act correctly and read my mind…”

I want to be honest, living with dignity, self-respect, and integrity.  I have an incredibly hard time living up to those three things.

So what stands between me and contentment/happiness/dignity, self-respect, and integrity?

Well, it’s me!  Of course! OMG, AS USUALLY.  I am my own worst enemy, as I’m sure most of us are, and I can self-sabotage like nobody’s business.  I can go after the thing I want absolutely, get all the way up to the finish line, and then turn my back, stomp my feet like a 4-year-old, and refuse to cross.

I need to really figure out what I want above everyone else’s wants, needs and desires.  What I want, and then go after it with all the tenacity I use to hurt myself.